Look Forward to 2009 with Hope and Optimism

Special to Veterans Advantage

As we begin the new year, it is critical to keep in mind that for many families in the military the holiday season may not have been a time of joy and celebration—it may have been a time of stress and strain. And this year, difficult economic times may have added an even greater burden to many families who have answered our nation’s call to service.

Barbara V. Romberg, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and president of Give an Hour

Our warriors and their families face unique circumstances and challenges that often complicate feelings during the holiday season. Unfortunately, well-meaning friends and co-workers may unknowingly add to the burden by failing to understand the stress that some families experience. By better understanding the potential challenges and tolerating our own discomfort, we increase the likelihood that those who serve will feel cared for and supported—which is after all, the best gift that we can give to them all year long.

This year, many military families were again coping with deployment and reintegration—stressful experiences that can interfere with a family’s traditional experience of the holiday season. Those who were deployed likely experienced a sense of sadness and loss because they were far away from their families. This may be especially true when families have children at either end of childhood. Parents of young children wanted to be home to share their child’s joy during the holidays, while deployed parents of older children probably felt a strong desire to be home to hear about their son or daughter’s first semester away at college.

Similarly, spouses who were holding down the fort at home may have had mixed feelings during the holiday season. They missed their husband or wife and worried about their safe return; they tried to stay strong in e-mail and phone conversations so as not to burden their partners. At the same time, the spouse at home was left to carry on the holiday traditions—to bring joy to children and comfort to parents and extended family members who also worried about the deployed loved one. For the military spouse, this was probably a very stressful mission: shopping, decorating, sending holiday cards, entertaining, and putting on a happy face are all difficult tasks when you have a heavy heart.

Families coping with reintegration may have faced a different set of stressors around the holidays. Although the service member was home from the war, the war may still have occupied a tremendous amount of time and energy for him or her. This may have created strain and conflict within the family. While family members wanted to celebrate their loved one’s return and enjoy the holidays, the returning veteran may have been struggling with guilt over being home when so many were still engaged in battle. He or she may have been affected by the understandable psychological consequences of exposure to combat but may not have been able or willing to seek assistance.

Reintegration is a process that can take many months or years, especially if the warrior sustained physical and invisible injuries while serving our country. Families and friends often fail to understand that coming home is just the beginning of the process of healing from the war. The loss of a limb, severe burns, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress, all of these affect service members in profound and complex ways, well beyond the physical or cognitive limitations that occur as a result of the injury itself. Those who suffer injuries must redefine themselves and discover meaning and purpose in life as they come to terms with the losses they suffered. All of these factors may make it extremely difficult to enjoy the holidays.

We often forget about the impact that war has on the children in military families. As reported in the Washington Post just before the holidays, new research by developmental pediatricians has found that preschoolers with a deployed parent display more behavioral and psychological problems, such as depression and anxiety, than peers whose parents are stateside. Imagine the complicated and often conflicted feelings that children have during a holiday or birthday when a parent is deployed, or when a parent returns home but is disabled or limited in some way as a result of war. We tend to assume that the holidays are a time of joy for children. Because of our assumptions, we sometimes place undue strain on the youngest members of our military community, expecting them to feel happy and appreciative when it is perfectly understandable that they may be feeling sad, angry, guilty, or some combination of these feelings.

Providing children with permission to feel all that they feel can provide tremendous relief and clear the way so that they can truly enjoy aspects of any celebratory experience. By appropriately sharing our sadness—and at times our fear—as we let our children know that we are here for them, we create the possibility for true closeness and genuine warmth, which is of far more value than a room full of presents.

So how can we help service members and their families after the holidays? We can offer to help with tasks that may have piled up during the season. We can listen to them talk about how it really was for them during the holidays—how it really is for them now. We can make concrete offers to help during the next holiday or family event. Most military family members prefer to be the one who “serves,” rather than the one who asks for help. So if we ask, “what can I do for you?” most of the time we will hear, “oh, nothing, I’m fine. Thank you for asking.” Instead, try offering to do a specific task—for example, saying, “for Cathy’s birthday party next week, I would like to pick up the cake at the bakery on my way over to your house.” By listening, by offering, and by understanding, we provide compassion and meaningful assistance—gifts that are of value throughout the year.

Editors Note:Give an Hour is a strategic partner of Veterans Advantage. Learn more about our partnership with Give an Hour.

Veterans Advantage is also hosting a special online PTSD Transition Center for its members, with customized news and resources to help in this vital area.