Keeping a Close Eye on Military Families

Barbara Van Dahlen, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and president of Give an Hour

Special to Veterans Advantage

On my recent flight to Arkansas I sat down next to a gentleman wearing military fatigues. I thanked him for his service and asked about his journey. He explained that he was a sergeant in the Air Force and was returning from a year-long deployment in Afghanistan. A veteran of 20 years and multiple deployments, he was returning home to his wife and two daughters, ages 13 and 8. He mentioned that he is currently stationed at an Air Force base near Little Rock and has been stationed there for five years but deployed for three of the five.  He was looking forward to a month at home.  As is true of so many of the men and women who serve our country, he was extremely gracious. I explained the nature of my work, and he generously agreed to answer my questions about his experience of deployment as well as his thoughts about the impact of multiple deployments on his family.  

Our conversation initially focused on the sergeant’s concern for the younger men and women he has shepherded through their first deployments.  He stated quite emphatically a sentiment that I have heard many times over the past five years: that everyone who witnesses combat is affected, is changed. Not everyone develops post-traumatic stress disorder but some folks suffer greatly and some are significantly damaged by their experience. According to the sergeant, everyone who spends a year in Afghanistan needs to “talk to someone” when he or she comes home. He told me that anyone who spends that amount of time in a war zone will need to work out what he or she has seen and done. I asked about the current view of counseling by those in the service.  The culture within the military is definitely changing, he said, but very slowly. Service members are still reluctant to seek counseling, although they are now receiving more positive messages about the need for self-care in general and mental health care in particular. He liked the idea of civilians offering mental health services in communities, as an additional service to what is offered by the Department of Defense and the Department of Veterans Affairs. His message was clear. Regardless of who provides it, we have to ensure that those in need receive the support and care they require when they come home.

Our conversation shifted to the impact of deployment on military families. According to this veteran of multiple tours and three wars, deployment is never easy on a spouse or children. Only families that learn how to maintain their relationship from a distance are able to withstand the intense strain created by repeated and often painful departures and sometimes jarring and unpredictable reunions. He told me about one technique he used with his daughters during this last deployment.  He spoke to them several times a week using Skype, to keep up with their interests and to remain connected to their lives. Unfortunately, because of the time difference between Arkansas and Afghanistan, the sergeant’s conversations with his girls routinely took place at 2:00 a.m. As all good parents do, he willingly gave up sleep to take care of his children.

We talked at length about how roles within a family change as a result of deployment. The sergeant understands that when he deploys, his wife has to step up to the challenge and assume two roles—that her behavior is adaptive and reveals a strength that he loves and admires. Still, the transition back into the family is sometimes difficult for him. Reclaiming his position and redefining his role is complicated for everyone.  I was impressed with his approach to the challenge he faces. He told me that every time he returns home, he spends an initial chunk of time just watching and listening, feeling his way back into the family. What a wise and loving position to take: by reentering his family in this manner he demonstrates respect and trust. By not trying to take control or dictate how things should be upon his return, he allows his wife and children to truly welcome him back into the family.

The sergeant and I talked about a common and often challenging issue that confronts many military parents upon their return home.  Specifically, what do you do when you come home to a child who has entered a new developmental stage while you were away? For most families, developmental changes occur gradually and everyone has time to adjust to the new demands and challenges. Not so for the parent who comes home from a year-long deployment.  

The sergeant’s oldest daughter recently turned 13 and entered puberty.  When he left home for his tour in Afghanistan, she was a girl who still played with dolls. As he returns home, he will meet a young woman whose interests have turned to make up, fashion, and (soon) boys. While this military father is mindful of the need to tread carefully through this new territory, other military parents are less skilled at navigating this emotionally challenging task.

One military wife told me about her husband’s reaction to their daughter’s entrance into puberty. Upon his return home, he noticed that his daughter— who used to be “daddy’s little girl”—seemed self-absorbed, easily irritated, and moody. In addition, she looked much older than her twelve years and recently begun wearing black nail polish. The wife tried to explain to her husband that their daughter was growing up, and that, for example, the black nail polish was harmless and very “in” among the teens on base. The father, who also appeared to be struggling with the consequences of his combat experience, had difficulty reclaiming his position within the family. One night in the middle of an ugly argument with his daughter, he blew up at both his wife and daughter, alienating both of them.

 Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. The family entered counseling to assist with the understandable but potentially destructive strain of reintegration on their relationships. While in counseling, the husband came to realize that he was struggling with post-traumatic stress, primarily connected to the loss of one of his buddies during a horrific firefight. Not only did the husband experience the tragic death of a dear friend, he also felt horrible guilt and shame because he had survived the attack. He then came home to a family that had changed and that—in his mind—no longer needed him.  He felt lost, anxious, and angry. The counselor created a safe environment for the family, which allowed the wife and children to understand the father’s experience and which allowed the father to regain his position and understand his daughter’s behavior as that of a typical and healthy adolescent.

I recently had a conversation with a senior-level adviser at the Pentagon, who expressed frustration regarding a situation he routinely encounters: Many of the corporations and foundations that approach the Department of Defense with offers of assistance want to focus on support for wounded warriors but are less interested in funding programs or supporting initiatives that provide care and support to military families. While it is critical that we provide for the physical and psychological needs of those who have sustained visible wounds, there are now hundreds of thousands of families dealing with the unseen injuries of war and the understandable consequences of repeated deployments.  These families are struggling, and many are suffering.

If we fail to reach out to our military families, if we fail to provide the appropriate support and care they need and deserve, if we fail to provide the opportunity for understanding and for healing, we run the risk of significantly weakening our fighting force. Our soldiers, marines, sailors, and those who serve in the Air Force cannot do their jobs effectively if their families are threatened. More important, if we fail to adequately care for the children and families within our military community, then our nation will have failed in its commitment to support our troops. Although military families don’t wear uniforms, they spend each day serving our country by loving and supporting those who do. 

At the end of my flight to Little Rock, I said good bye to the sergeant who had shared so much, and I headed for the baggage claim area. As I walked down the corridor, I noticed a mom and two girls, each carrying signs that read, “Welcome home Daddy—we love you.”  The girls were both hopping up and down, straining to see their father through the crowd while their mother softly reminding them to be patient.  I thought of the reunion and the transition ahead for this family and hoped that they would successfully navigate the complexity of reintegration.  And I hope that their community—and our country—will keep a close eye on them.

Give an Hour, providing free mental health services to military personnel and their loved ones, at www.giveanhour.org.

Editors Note: Give an Hour is a strategic partner of Veterans Advantage. Learn more about our partnership with Give an Hour.

Veterans Advantage is also hosting a special online PTSD Transition Center for its members, with customized news and resources to help in this vital area.