Helping Military Families Move through Life

Barbara Van Dahlen, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and president of Give an Hour

Special to Veterans Advantage

As I move through life each day, I am often reminded of the differences between life in the civilian world and life in the military. I am reminded of things that I take for granted—freedoms that I enjoy, choices that I have the opportunity to make—that are not available to the men, women, and families who serve our country. Those in the military community forgo these freedoms and options because they are serving our country and these sacrifices are required of them.

I recently moved across town into a home that better suits my family’s needs. For most of us, moving is a challenging and exhausting experience—but it is a matter of choice. We move because we can afford a bigger house or we want to be in a better school district or a more convenient neighborhood. As we get older and children head off to college, we move because we are downsizing or retiring.

Of course, some civilian families move because of a change in jobs. Someone accepts a job in a new city or a promotion is offered in another region. Though these moves may not always seem to be under our control, they are still made by choice. No one forces us to take a promotion or stay with a company. To do otherwise might seem unwise, but it is still a choice to accept the assignment and relocation.

For military families, neither choice nor convenience is a matter for consideration. For military families, frequent relocation is part of the job description. For military families, moves often occur under extremely difficult and stressful circumstances.

The process of moving is difficult regardless of whether you are moving across town, across the country, or across the world. We are all familiar with the tasks—they are numerous, seemingly never-ending, and extremely time-consuming.

First, we typically clean out the old, throw away the broken, donate the outgrown, give away or sell the still-in-good-shape-but-no-longer-wanted. Next there are days and weeks of packing, which involves wrapping, labeling, organizing, and stacking. Even if a moving company packs your belongings for you—as is typically done for military families—there is still a tremendous amount of work to do to prepare your home for the move.

There are also countless details that must be accomplished to move from one home to another. We must transfer utilities and update our address for the post office, credit card companies, and numerous other individuals and institutions that need to keep track of us. We also must leave the home we are vacating in decent shape for the next inhabitants. Completing minor, and sometimes major, repairs and cleaning are tasks of the moving process that most of us are very familiar with and few of us enjoy.

After the packing and the moving comes the unpacking and arranging of the new home and the new life. Putting away our belongings, hanging pictures, and buying new items for the new house all take time. Sometimes we need to paint rooms or refinish floors or engage in some other major renovations to make our new house a home.

If you have young children, the packing, moving, and unpacking become even more challenging, as you try to find the time to complete the tasks, occupy the kids on and around moving day, and attend to their needs as they respond to the stress of the move. Children require that we contend with changing schools, requesting records, verifying enrollment, ensuring the provision of services for children with special needs, and trying to reassure little (and big) ones that they will make friends in their new school.

For many military spouses, these tasks must be handled alone. The military member of the family may have gone ahead to begin a new assignment or perhaps he or she has been deployed to the war zone. Many military spouses manage the stress of a move in addition to the worry that their loved one may never see the new house they just moved into.

Once the move itself is completed and the last box is unpacked, the work of settling into a new community begins. We learn new routes and locate new stores and find new service providers. We identify new physicians and other professionals needed in our lives. And then, we build a new network of neighbors, friends, and colleagues to whom we turn to for assistance and support as life unfolds.

While the tasks are numerous and seemingly endless, the most challenging part of moving is navigating the emotional experience of a relocation. We humans—by and large—are creatures of habit. We are comforted by routines; we love familiarity. Moving disrupts life like nothing else. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that moving is considered one of the most stressful of all life events, surpassed only by experiences such as getting married, having a baby, and losing a loved one. It typically takes six months for people to report feeling “settled” after a move.

Yet military families must learn to adapt to a lifestyle of frequent and stressful change. Surprisingly, not only do military family members adapt, but many report significant benefit as a result of the required adaptation.

Whereas the average American moves 11 times in his or her lifetime, military families move approximately every two years.  Sometimes military families have a reasonable amount of time to prepare for a move—sometimes not. Sometimes military families have some say in where they will relocate—usually not. Sometimes both parents are home to navigate the relocation process—frequently not.

I cannot think of one military family member who has ever complained to me about the frequent moves, the relocation horror stories, or the sadness of saying good bye to dear friends. Most focus on the honor of serving our country and the skills they have developed as a result of their experience in the military community. But that does not mean military families are not stressed by these challenges.

So what can we do to help those in our military—our friends and neighbors—as they manage repeated relocations? First and foremost, we can thank them for the service they provide to our country and acknowledge the sacrifices they make. Second, we can suggest specific ways that we are available to help. Instead of saying “please let me know if I can be of help,” offer a specific form of assistance such as, “I’m taking my kids to the park tomorrow afternoon. How about I take your boys with me so that you can get things organized for your move?” In addition, if we have connections in or information about their new city or state—a possible job lead or a good school district—we can offer to make introductions or gather information. In essence, we can think about what would make our lives easier if we were in their shoes. Our military families are under considerable strain as a result of the ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. We can support them by recognizing their service and by picking up the slack when and where we can as they navigate the stressful tasks of life.

Give an Hour, providing free mental health services to military personnel and their loved ones, at www.giveanhour.org.

Editors Note: Give an Hour is a strategic partner of Veterans Advantage. Learn more about our partnership with Give an Hour.

Veterans Advantage is also hosting a special online PTSD Transition Center for its members, with customized news and resources to help in this vital area.