Compassion for Our Imperfect Lives

Barbara Van Dahlen, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and president of Give an Hour

Special to Veterans Advantage

By the time we reach early adulthood, we have lived an imperfect life. No one escapes challenge, mistakes, struggle, or disappointment. By the time we reach the middle of our lives, few have escaped trauma or tragedy. We come to understand that life can be unfair and, at times, cruel. We come to understand that life doesn’t always turn out the way we expected or planned. We come to understand that life can change dramatically in the blink of an eye.

Why then do we have such difficulty tolerating the pain of others? Perhaps it is because we don’t want to be reminded of the pain we ourselves have experienced, as many of us move through our days with unresolved and unhealed invisible injuries that seem too painful to touch. Perhaps it is because we feel at a loss as to how to be of help to those who suffer. Perhaps we fear that if we get too close we will be consumed by the trauma and overwhelmed by the despair that accompanies it.   

Still, we love to hear stories of triumph over adversity. We delight in rooting for the underdog, and we wholeheartedly applaud the heroism of those who not only survive but thrive despite unbearable hardship.  We teach our children the importance of perseverance, offering clichés about making lemonade out of lemons to illustrate the value of overcoming obstacles.   

And, of course, it is the imperfections of life—the experiences of pain, struggle, and even trauma—that often have the most profound effect on who we become. If we are fortunate enough to have a solid emotional foundation and a loving network of support around us, our moments of pain and struggle provide the opportunity to experience recovery, resilience, mastery, and sometimes success.  Nevertheless, the risk is great as we pass through difficult times. For if we encounter challenge, trauma, or tragedy  without the proper support or understanding, then we may not recover, we may not heal, and we may not be able to overcome the setbacks and the adversity that define life’s most difficult and painful moments.

Our military families are living through an extremely challenging time. They are facing multiple deployments, struggles to reintegrate into life back home, difficulty finding meaningful jobs outside the military, the highest rate of suicide among military personnel since such data have been collected, and many, many service members coming home with invisible injuries of war including post-traumatic stress, traumatic brain injury, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

Families are suffering. According to Defense Manpower Data Center at the Pentagon, frequent and repeated deployments are increasing the rate of military divorce. Marriages involving deployed service members are especially vulnerable. The most recent Army survey of its soldiers in Iraq contrasts heavily with a similar study done in 2003. In that year, 12 percent of the troops in Iraq said they expected to get a separation or divorce upon returning to the United States. In 2009, that number was 22 percent. In addition, more children from military families are being treated for mental health issues than was the case prior to the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Those of us in the mental health community are not surprised by these revelations—this is the consequence of war. We are, however, gravely concerned, as the prolonged stress of ongoing conflict can destabilize and derail even the healthiest of military families.

Military families must tolerate and somehow cope with a level of stress and uncertainty that few of us would manage well. For many, life is more challenging and more difficult than they could have imagined. Further, many within the military community are young men and women who may not yet possess the perspective or the internal resources to successfully cope with the challenges forced upon them. I am reminded of a conversation with a twenty-something spouse of a soldier who was suffering from post-traumatic stress. She was earnest, dedicated, and loving toward her husband, but she was clearly overwhelmed and scared. She had little understanding of what was happening to her life, little understanding of post-traumatic stress, and little family support to help her manage the journey.  

If our military families are to withstand the strain, if they are to succeed in the face of adversity, they need their community wrapped around them. They need compassion, concrete assistance, and critical emotional support. By “community” I mean not the military community (which has historically and successfully supported those who serve), but our American community. I am referring to friends, neighbors, employers, and teachers. We all must draw upon our own experience of struggle and pain to reach out with assistance and understanding.

Our First Lady addressed Former President Bill Clinton’s Global Initiative Annual Meeting on September 23 and spoke about our military community.  As always, Mrs. Obama spoke eloquently about the amazing resource we have in our returning troops and their families. She spoke about the honor, integrity, strength, competence, and spirit that so many in our armed forces bring to their service and to their community when they come home. Her purpose in addressing this international audience was to urge these leaders of the free world to recognize the strengths, the abilities, and the value of our military community and to provide these amazing men, women, and family members with jobs that will benefit not only them but also our nation and our global economy.

Our President, our First Lady, and the Bidens—whose son deployed to Iraq for a year in 2008—frequently express their commitment to those who serve and their families. They are working to engage national and world leaders in this effort to provide opportunities for those who give so much and ask so little. More of us need to follow their lead.  

In order for our soldiers, airmen, sailors, and marines to return to productive and satisfying jobs and lives here at home, we must create an environment that will support them through the struggles and challenges they will certainly face as a result of their experience of war. We must ensure that they have the opportunity to recover, to heal, and to grow through their difficulties so that they can achieve their goals, raise their families, and continue to serve in our communities. 

As civilians, we may not be able to fully comprehend the specific experiences of those who choose to serve our country. We may feel awkward and uncomfortable when we try to engage members of the military in conversation. But trying is of value and sends a message that we are interested and willing to listen. Thanking them for their service is but one way we can let those in the armed forces know that we respect their commitment and value their sacrifices.

Moreover, we can draw upon our own imperfect lives—the challenges we have faced, the pain we have endured, and the suffering we have experienced—to ensure that our returning troops and their families receive the support they deserve and the assistance they need.  After their service has ended and their wounds, both physical and invisible, have healed, our military families should be able to lead their own imperfect—but not ruined—lives.

Give an Hour, providing free mental health services to military personnel and their loved ones, at www.giveanhour.org.

Editors Note: Give an Hour is a strategic partner of Veterans Advantage. Learn more about our partnership with Give an Hour.

Veterans Advantage is also hosting a special online PTSD Transition Center for its members, with customized news and resources to help in this vital area.