Bonnie Carroll

Special to Veterans Advantage

Grief is a powerful emotion. Left
unexpressed, it can consume one’s life.
However, with the proper outlet to
express it, grief can lead to healing
and even hope.

In 1987, a young woman working in the West Wing of the Reagan White House was introduced to a dashing Army colonel. She was a 2nd lieutenant in the Air National Guard. He was a Vietnam combat veteran. They fell deeply in love. Within months they married.

In 1992, they were living in Alaska. He was a brigadier general, commanding officer of the Alaska Army National Guard and Deputy Commissioner of Military and Veterans Affairs for the state. On November 12, he died, killed with seven other soldiers in the crash of an Army C-12 King Air. She was devastated, numbed by the suddenness of his death. It was not until the following May - Memorial Day - that Bonnie Carroll really felt the depth of the loss, the consuming hollowness of the death of her Tom.

"We had five wonderfully happy years together," Bonnie said. "Then he was gone. That August, I got together with some of the other families who lost loved ones that day. We chartered a helicopter and visited the crash site. It was on the side of a mountain, and the remains of the plane were still there. For us, being at the site provided finality, and was very much a healing experience."

While that experience may have helped stanch some of the emotional bleeding, the ache of loss only grew deeper. Bonnie looked around for some group that might offer succor and support.

There was none.

"No group was there for all those who lose a loved one serving in the Armed Forces to reach out to," she said during an interview from her office at the Department of Veterans Affairs in Washington, D.C., for which she serves as liaison to the White House. "Groups like Gold Star Wives and the Society of Military Widows do wonderful things such as lobbying to ensure benefits for military widows. But the closest I could find to an emotional support system for traumatic loss in the military was a group that aided the families of police officers who died in the line of duty."

To Fill a Void

All that winter, Bonnie Carroll thought about that void, thought about creating an organization to fill that void, talked to folks who could empathize with her pain: others who had lost a husband or a wife, brother or sister, son or daughter; officials in the Pentagon and the VA. In October 1994, she launched the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. T*A*P*S is a national, non-profit veterans service organization, a 501 (c)(3), whose mission is to be there for families, friends, and fellow service members - anyone who has been affected by the death of a loved one serving in the Armed Forces.

In its nine years, T*A*P*S, which is supported entirely by donations and a battalion of volunteers, has been a lifeline to some 15,000 families, Bonnie estimates. In most cases, these families are now led by young widows - their average age is 24 - with kids under the age of six. The families are referred to T*A*P*S by the casualty officer or commanding officer of the unit of the deceased service member, by the unit’s chaplain, by the funeral director or cemetery director. They can visit the group’s Web site, www.taps.org. They can read its literature, call its hotline at 800-959-TAPS. When they’re ready, they can reach out for help.

And T*A*P*S is there.

"We don’t duplicate the work of any other group," Bonnie said. "In fact, we have wonderful, complementary relationships with these other groups. The most important thing we do is offer peer support, which is the absolute foundation of T*A*P*S. We also link families to resources in their locality that understand traumatic loss and death. We’ve established close working relationships with dozens of government and non-government agencies that provide grief counseling and casework assistance. And we have volunteers available - and professionals on standby - for crisis intervention 24/7." All of these volunteers - T*A*P*S also employs a small staff - were themselves assisted by T*A*P*S when they suffered grievous loss. Their healing continues as they help others.

They all make a special effort with the children, many of whom are too young, at first, to appreciate fully the loss of a mother or a father. "Helping these kids deal with death absolutely has a profound effect on enabling them to understand and then cope with what happened. This year, we had 75 young people at a camp we run around Memorial Day. Our bereavement counselors come from a military background. We also have ’mentors,’ a kind of ’big brother/big sister’ program, who come from the burial details and honor guards that represent their branch of the military at funerals. These are youngsters themselves, 18 to 20 years old, whom we match up one-on-one with the kids at the camp.

"Most people can’t see and touch pain," Bonnie said. "Yet when these kids release balloons with notes tied to them, sending their love and thoughts and memories up to their parents or older brothers or sisters who have died, we’re all deeply touched."

Horses to Politics

Bonnie Mersinger Carroll was raised in a rural community in the Hudson Valley of New York. "I was one of those little girls who grew up riding horses but then didn’t grow out of it," she said. She earned instructor certification in equine science, became a professional rider/trainer. She trained with members of the 1980 Olympic equestrian team; among the horses she broke was a filly named Genuine Risk, who went on to win the Kentucky Derby.

Bonnie realized, though, that riding "was a rather dangerous and not very lucrative way to make a living." She switched to politics, which was not so much a change in direction as a return to her roots: since she was 12, Bonnie had volunteered on Republican campaigns with her parents, who were very active in politics.

She also joined the Air National Guard, a decision no doubt influenced by her mother, who had been an aviator during the Second World War. Marjorie Mitchell Mersinger had told her daughter about the camaraderie she had felt in the Women’s Army Air Corps and the sense of mission that had fueled her resolve.

"Here I am, 25 years old, and I deeply felt I had a duty to serve my country. I knew that if I didn’t enlist now, I might never have the time or the chance to do it. And it’s been one of the most meaningful things I’ve had the privilege to do in my life. I’m so honored to stand beside others who defend the principles on which our country is founded.

"Absolutely the finest people I’ve met are through my military assignments," she said. "We share a brotherhood, a bond forged of a greater purpose. My fellow airmen motivate and inspire me because they are helping make this world a better, safer, freer place."

Moving to Washington, Bonnie parlayed hard work, good luck, and political connections to land a job as a staff assistant with the President’s Economic Policy Council. One day she was asked to draft a response for the President about a horse-related issue. Ronald Reagan was so taken with what she wrote that he had his chief of staff, Howard Baker, call this young woman. Soon, Bonnie was working in the West Wing, the executive assistant to the Cabinet Secretary.

It was there that she was introduced to Tom Carroll. Their love, and his death, changed her life.

"When you’re among others who have suffered a loss like yours, there’s an unspoken bond that wipes away so many layers that tend to separate us," she said. "These folks are my family. They’re young, vibrant, passionate men and women who help each other by helping others. Here in Washington, which can be a very superficial town, the depth of their commitment is just so refreshing and empowering and inspirational."

Bonnie Carroll, too, is refreshing and empowering and inspirational to others. Speaking at The Wall on Memorial Day, Bonnie, who is now a major in the Air Force Reserve assigned to the Chief of Staff for Air and Space Operations in the Pentagon, moved many to tears with her words.

"My husband really was my hero," she said. "And if he were here today, his words to you would be simple. Life is rarely understandable and often unfair. We are all living on borrowed time, time borrowed from God. The material things in life are fleeting - memories and families and friendships are what remain."

In this, Bonnie Carroll is blessed.

TAPS Helps Families in Time of Need

The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) is a non-profit Veterans Service Organization offering hope, healing, comfort and care to the thousands of people affected by the loss of a loved one in the armed forces.

TAPS is dedicated to serving all those suffering from the loss of a loved one who served in the military by offering the following services:

Peer support is available through a national survivor network. Family members and friends support one another in a safe and supportive environment to help each other heal.

Case workers help families locate important information they need and put them in touch with the right individuals after the loss of a loved one.

Crisis intervention is available through a network of trained crisis response professionals. They are on call around the clock to help survivors understand the grief and pain they are experiencing.

Grief counselors offer referrals to top bereavement counselors and support groups throughout the nation.

TAPS’ Annual National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp for Young Survivors is held each year during Memorial Day weekend in Washington, DC. Click here for more details.

For more information about TAPS, please visit its web site at www.taps.org or call 1-800-959-TAPS.